Accidentally Left Earth for a Moment
Hello dear blog, I missed you!
Wow, it’s crazy how my mood is instantly boosted as soon as I open up a blank page to write on. Or type on. For whatever reason I really felt stuck the past month or so, just unable to get over the obstacles between me and my writing. What obstacles, you may ask? Well, I don’t really know… General ADHD-induced procrastination? That classic invisible wall between me and ~tasks~??? Either way, I feel relieved to be here.
I’m trying my best to give myself some grace whenever I return to Earth after an unplanned absence. Sometimes the places in my head are all I can handle, the material world just doesn’t seem accessible and I’m stuck in la la land just wading through my uncontrollable current of thoughts. It’s honestly painful, knowing that the world is out there but all I can do is peer through the bars of the prison cell that is my skull. That’s dramatic lol but that’s how it feels.
I think I haven’t quite figured out a remedy for when this happens. It’s very consistent, these periods of absence from reality. Just needing a break but instead of actually resting I’m just letting myself get swept up into meaningless thought spirals, ignoring all my responsibilities for a couple days or weeks. I think part of it is an unbalance in my day-to-day routine. I push my feelings and emotions to the side in order to be productive, but then it all catches up to me weeks later and all I feel capable of doing is laying in bed, thinking. It always seems like an “either/or” scenario; either I am productive, or I am letting myself feel things.
It’s very silly because, logically, I know that action is the cure to all of this. Action cures my thought spirals, cures my anxiety, makes me feel like I am a living, Earthly being. And I mean any kind of action, doesn’t have to be like exercising or something— drawing, painting, writing, yoga… It all counts and it always is the cure lol. I get so exhausted, so weighed down by a tangled mess of feelings, thoughts, worries; for so long my coping mechanism has just been to sit and think it all out, or to avoid it and just let it turn into a black hole inside my head that eventually becomes indecipherable and has to explode.
As always, writing through my emotional processing is extremely helpful. I feel a bit out of practice, but I’m ready to get back into the swing of things lol. I feel a little bit scrambled, like I have to say a bunch of things but I’m not sure how to say them yet. But I’m here, so, whatever. I’m grateful for this computer and this keyboard, and I’m grateful for the extra time I have to be able to sit here and express myself.
“I am the embodiment of creative action.”
This is the mantra that is really resonating with me at the moment; it’s something I really want to be able to grasp and internalize. Constant and limitless expression, guided by my intuition. I’ll get there.
Thank you for reading, hope you have a great day!
Love,
Caisa